I am alive




Seductive Vilification


quote me

go match the apathetic desert with your stoic footprints my dear

it will be an assuaging oasis-
admidst the artless sand ,
an asylum of mind you shall seek.


i am going to leave
i want to leave
i need to stop my life
it will be a perfect cadence
my mind will feel rested there
for when i am there i am not


Good morning e

It is 3am on a Tueday morning. I have no idea why I have been waking up every 2 hours at night for the past week. Perhaps the electromagnetic field from my relocated CPU is toying with my nerves. What is eva thinking about at this moment?

Well these are the erratic thoughts jaywalking my brain right now:

eva asks herself:
What does art and science offer the world in common?

eva tells herself:
Art and science try to make the world a more intelligible place, despite there are more crucial problems in the world, because 24,000 ppl die of starvation everyday.... I guess we just have to find something to do while we are alive.

( chain reaction in thoughts- bombardment..oh shit)

Does the world ever learn though? no, because ppl are driven by selfish genes. Please read The Selfish Gene --
the gene-centric evolutionary theory by Richard Dawkins (1976).
Is eva succumbing to this cynisim? No, because you have to first acknowledge and then try to maybe perhaps attempt to try resolve a mandatory problem.

And with the world's big philosophical debate about rationalism and/or empiricism, the chicken and egg question about the marriage of mind and body. Guess what? we cannot even do simple math.

Lets see, when eva looks through bush's 2006 financial budget, under "Meeting the Nation's priorities -- Defending our Nation from attack by increasing funding for defense...", our dear mister allocated $120 million for the Middle East Partnership Initiative to support political and economic reform in the Middle East and North Africa....maybe he missed a couple of zeros when he look at his own country's national debt -- the gross federal debt has exceeded $8.3 TRillion. (See NYTimes magazine 11 June 06)

Zoom out a little ya? Less than 1% of what the world spent every year on weapons was needed to put every child into school by the year 2000 and yet it didn't happen.

And we have business grads and economists proving how fictitiously our economy is booming by somehow proving increasing GDPs, when the GDP of the poorest 48 nations (i.e. a quarter of the world’s countries) is less than the wealth of the world’s three richest people combined.
Does it matter if we are rational or empirical beings when we live in self-denial?

(awkward silence)

Lets talk about love.
What takes a woman to love a man, who committed numerous infidelities in their relationship, who deserted her for 3 years with 3 children without a word of concern; a man who married someone else within 4 months after he left her to pursure his ambitious career - which eventually led to 70 million deaths across china; a man who didnt even bother to save her life when he had all the convenience in the world to do so (yet claiming she was his love of his life); she stood in trial without a trace of fear in defense of his atrocities and got gunned to death at 29 only because she loves him...when she could have just denounced him , saved her own life and possibly prevented the world's worst famine costing 38millions of lives.

She is Kaihui, the second wife of Chairman Mao.

Is this the confucianism that is infused into her? That love can afford to be selfish despite the doom that u bring upon yourself and the world? I know Confucius is big on filial piety, taught through the relationship between a son and a father, but spousal relationship informs about family ties too...


eva is tired..good morning and good luck.


It says...

I was told-

Beneath the moon
Lies the perfect mist
Glimmers, the stream
As it paints the river bed
With its sweetest caress

Yet when the first ray pierces through..
Unveiled, the mist
Awaken, life is..


I know its a day late, but Im fucking jet lagged, so my brain is still trying to cross the time zone...just want to say..

Happy Memorial Day

OMG. why am I trembling again? this is bian tai. can someone kill me?


My Precious

Was scrolling through some old photos..I probably took this 3-4 years ago. This Ju Zai has been though thick and thin with me, accompanied me through nights of work, days of tearful solitude, travelled on my lap across the globe....

A lifeless real companionship, better than many unreal companionship in life.



So forgettably wise -
An unforgettable quote for life...

" In the end, our society will be defined not only by what we create, but by what we refuse to destroy." - Rob Pope

Beautiful isnt it?


I just realized I missed a comment dated March 10 for an earlier post. For some unknown urge i started reading some of my old posts....something which I never do because they remind me too much of painful times...and the postings reflect nothing but self-pity, self-indulgence which I am unashamed of, but of extreme apprehension. At times, I feel like I am possessed.

"you should just kick some ass. period. whoever dared to venture to hurt ma pretty lady here oughta have their asses kicked. BE IT 1998 VERSION, OR THE 9 MONTHS AGO VERSION OR THE MOST RECENT VERSION. karma shall get YOU in no time. babe the easiest give up on are JERKS. they don't deserve your love much less your thoughts, energy, tears, numbness, whatever, they don't deserve ANYTHING. they don't even deserve my words i tell you! but i am writing it to you.move on, find someone new which i know you know now who are the people good for you and be happy!=Pat the end of the day, who are those pieces of shit that you crossed paths with? they are at best LESSONS. please don't give them too much of a credit of making THAT huge a difference in your life. cheerios and onward my gal! "
Friday, March 10, 2006 3:00:36 AM

I dont know who wrote this and I dont need to know..but thanks...i hate myself for absolutely avoiding people who tries to love me for I have lost so much drive in life from people who hurt me so much, unintentionally, yet most selfishly. I hate myself for not being strong enough to do what is good for myself. And yet, some anynomous soul would care more than those whom I wish would have done so ...why and for what?

Have to run again
Wanting to run away
For a little while
Be safe for a little while
Forget a little, of the little thats left of me

Be gone, be gone, be gone..


Almost all most..


G.D.M.F, why must things be this way?


Friday beautiful

nothing beats the cold and somewhat tranquil stagnant mind on my friday night with this lovely line

...Dark is a way and light is a place,
Heaven that never was
Nor will be ever is always true...

- "Poem on his birthday", Dylan Thomas


this pain is almost surreal
it was almost forgotten
but i relive it again
so as to remember the truth

a truth of disparities
between who tells and who was told
between who touches and who felt
between who gives and who takes
between who loves and who's hurting
between who thinks and who denies

this smile is surreal
it was almost real
it lives for the moment
so as to befriend my numbness



A promise is a cloud
Fulfillment is rain

Be it never rained
For there was never a cloud

Why damage oneself with others' selfishness, insensitivity and insecurities
Let go now
Then there is no need to run again


Somehow the way I feel reminds me of photographs that I have taken...let me share another shot that I have taken in Madrid which I feel deeply for.

Coming home at wee hours after a trying day at work, plus confirming certain ugly truth of my past..this photo pops up in my mind as I stroll down the chilly brooklyn streets..

I wonder what strikes me in this shot.
Such intuitive harmony.
Between my vision and my feelings.
My eyes are faulty camera of my mind.
I am showing you what I saw
And you are looking at how I feel...


Nelson, with reference to your comment..Just thought its too long to be a comment...

I am talking about the place...and someone whom u have in mind..if theres one in the first place. coz the place and its weathered patina makes you construct some fantasical imaginary landscape and relive memories that you miss. It is amazing because Prague's strange political history slowed down the architectural movement in style relative to rest of europe.. so much so that we get to see such well preserved gothic and all these fusion of subsequent archi styles to produce its current patina...its simply powerful. when i have more time i will show somemore pictures explaining what i mean..but it is simply daunting how a place can evoke such powerful emotions. And this reminds me of a post that i did earlier about powerful spaces. I wonder if I can design like that someday...with an experiential vision more than a formal theoretical approach that I gravitate towards. Though i must say it should be the balance of both.

The translation of a brilliant design idea which results in an emotionally moving, impactful space, that transcends history, time and space...

back to the question of romanticism of a place in relation of love? not someone there for sure. not me at least. the statues are more charming that anyone i saw there haha. either that or im terribly emotionally frozen to be ever moved by 'exotic' faces.whatever..



Charles Bridge, Prague 2005 Thanksgiving
One of the best shots taken while I was there, match my mood today..hauntingly beautiful isnt it?

I want to cultivate the Lilies and cut the leeches
For my troubled soul knows that passion is pain
To be dished out and endured.