Can't believe I am going through this again.
I am trembling not of cold but of the rerun of such perverse situation.
And even more perverse that I am typing this here.
This hurts so much, how familiar.So familiar that I am almost comfortable with it.
This is the 3rd time I am going through this.
First when i was 16
Second 9months back
Third..now.
I tremble. I really do.
I am sick of betrayal.
I am sick of selfishness
Have I not made myself clear.
Have I not been nice.
I am too weak to even pretend that I am strong.
But I have grown to realize it has nothing to do with me.
I am at the mercy of the source of my emotions.
My papa is right.
I should be rid of everything
Only then that I wont lose anything
Am I not nice enough for ppl I care about...?
I am trembling not of cold but of the rerun of such perverse situation.
And even more perverse that I am typing this here.
This hurts so much, how familiar.So familiar that I am almost comfortable with it.
This is the 3rd time I am going through this.
First when i was 16
Second 9months back
Third..now.
I tremble. I really do.
I am sick of betrayal.
I am sick of selfishness
Have I not made myself clear.
Have I not been nice.
I am too weak to even pretend that I am strong.
But I have grown to realize it has nothing to do with me.
I am at the mercy of the source of my emotions.
My papa is right.
I should be rid of everything
Only then that I wont lose anything
Am I not nice enough for ppl I care about...?
posted by livingfuneral at 12/01/2005 10:30:00 PM
8 Comments:
Honey, would you believe it if I told you something could make it better in 2 minutes? It's called Xanax. And I've had that trembling myself. It's called an anxiety attack.
Yes, wonderful, sensitive, smart, beautiful, achieving human beings can have them too. Big surprise. You wonder at the complete humiliation of being unable to control your own train of thoughts, at the trembling, at the inability to breathe because of the striking pain in your chest. The tears, enough to fill a whole ocean. I was surprised to find out it is a condition. And not heartbreak, like I thought. It stinks. Life stinks. But I guess you can choose to wallow or choose to be brave and say to someone, you know, I need help, I don't feel good. And then accept with an open mind and open heart what they have to tell you. Read up on it, at the very least. Google anxiety or panic attack. xx Please don't be mad at my meddling. I only intend the best and worry about you. Yes, I worry about a complete stranger. As I said, I have an anxious personality.
i had panic attacks too. they are curable. good luck.
I dont care what attacks they are.
Actually I would very much want a liberating heart attack. That would clean me up once and for all.
I feel like shit again and again and again and again...ppl gives me shit whenever I pick myself up every fucking time.
And you ask, why the fuck did you place yourself in a situation like that? Oh trust me I have tried every way to avoid being in shit situations no matter how weak I am. And when shit inevitably happens, I pull myself together and try to work things out. But guess what? People arent truthful to me no matter how clear I am with them. And people arent truthful because they are selfish and arent responsible enough to deal with what they know is right.
Know one thing. Want another.
Want one thing. Do another.
Say one thing. Do otherwise.
Say sorry. Not doing anything.
I am terribly hurt because ppl whom I care about are deceiving themselves and deceiving me in my face while I am trying hard to heal and resolve problems.
And I have come to realize theres is no such thing as talking things out anymore because the talk only gives misleading highs like drugs do...
It is what it is. I know what I need to know.I have seen what is meant to be seen. It cant be more clear. And it cant be more hurtful.
Pardon me anonymous ones..I bet you guys have no idea what I am blabbing about because you dont know the situation...but I am grateful for the comment that you left.
I've been following this entry for a while and I'm sorry I don't really know what to say to make you feel better. I don't want to assume to know what's going on, so I won't, but I felt that I needed to say something because you sound really intense. People tend to disappoint, and it really hurts. I...don't know a cure for that. I wish I did. So does that mean we shouldnt trust people anymore? I guess we could...But I feel its just unfair to the people who are actually trustworthy. I know writing about my thoughts help me to feel better and understand myself better. Sleeping helps alot too. Even when you're sleeping, your mind sorts itself out. I'm not sure what you need or want now. Are you looking for some kind of an answer? Are you waiting for something or someone? Or are you just trying to get over something and ease the pain? You don't have to answer me...I'm just throwing these thoughts out for you to think about. Maybe you're not sure what you want or need right now, and maybe by knowing it, it can make you feel better. I hope the things I said helped a little. Take care, I'm always within reach.
3 must've been a cursed number... i loathe it as well
you may not be able to control what other people do, but at the very least you can control your own reaction. And drugs--at least prescriptive drugs, like Xanax and Klonopin-- are not misleading. They are actually a brave way to say, I don't want to feel bad anymore. I need help. There is so much stigma against people who are in emotional pain--society as a whole thinks that that emotions are something a person should be able to control--that if you feel hurt, if you feel bad, it is your own fault. what if I told you, emotional pain has many characteristics similar to physical pain/illness--and that just like when you are physically unwell, what's good for you is to take your medication--could it not be true that when you are emotionally unwell, that is what you should do also? Not all people who take drugs like Xanax take this because they want to mislead themselves. It is because they want to be well. And you owe it to yourself to find out more about your own condition--cannot you be open to the possibility that what you feel may be caused by something other than your situation? There is the situation and there is the way you manage it. Both contribute to the effect (how you feel). There are other ways to manage the reaction bit other than by living life miserably day after day. Believe me, I know.
Depression is the flaw in love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and depression is the mechanism of that despair. When it comes, it degrades one's self and ultimately eclipses the capacity to give or receive affection. It is the aloneness within us made manifest, and it destroys not only connection to others but also the ability to be peacefully alone with oneself. Love, though it is no prophylactic against depression, is what cushions the mind and protects it from itself. Medications and psychotherapy can renew that protection, making it easier to love and be loved, and that is why they work. In good spirits, some love themselves and some love others and some love work and some love God: any of these passions can furnish that vital sense of purpose that is the opposite of depression. Love forsakes us from time to time, and we forsake love. In depression, the meaninglessness of every enterprise and every emotion, the meaninglessness of life itself, becomes self-evident. The only feeling left in this loveless state is insignificance.
Andrew Solomon
The Noonday Demon
Is a good book. If not to cure emotional pain, at least to better understand it.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/068485466X/ref=sib_dp_pt/103-5153722-6059836#reader-page
you should just kick some ass. period. whoever dared to venture to hurt ma pretty lady here oughta have their asses kicked.
BE IT 1998 VERSION, OR THE 9 MONTHS AGO VERSION OR THE MOST RECENT VERSION. karma shall get YOU in no time.
babe the easiest give up on are JERKS. they don't deserve your love much less your thoughts, energy, tears, numbness, whatever, they don't deserve ANYTHING. they don't even deserve my words i tell you! but i am writing it to you.
move on, find someone new which i know you know now who are the people good for you and be happy!=P
at the end of the day, who are those pieces of shit that you crossed paths with? they are at best LESSONS. please don't give them too much of a credit of making THAT huge a difference in your life.
cheerios and onward my gal!
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